For those with imaginations not drawn into the political debates, who are still looking to enjoy a farce, the wall murals tell me there's a new movie coming out just in time for Valentine's Day that spins the same fake story that singledom is all winks and free drinks and lingerie. What they don't show is the hard work behind-the-scenes necessary to remain fabulously single. And unfabulously so. Here are a few tips. In no particular order.
1. Quit all dating sites.
2. Better yet, give up dating for Lent.
3. Eat an entire box of Samoas.
4. Break three of your favorite ex-roomate's hand-me-down Corelle snack-sized plates taking them out of the dishwasher then regret that they weren't broken in a defiant and dramatic way. Lament that single last plate, alone on an empty shelf.
5. Live with two cats who demand all your attention and hate each other.
6. Start a blog to keep yourself company with your own thoughts.
7. Dry shampoo.
8. Experiment with chia seeds.
9. The less excited you are about waking up, the more you should experiment with eye makeup in the morning.
10. Refuse to answer any phone calls after 5 pm.
11. Cover your couches with folded paper grocery bags to deter the cats. Don't worry about entertaining.
12. Somehow fuck up that chia seed pudding ratio every time.
13. Take pictures of your feet on instagram when your heart isn't in it enough for a selfie.
14. Binge-watch Amy Schumer on borrowed Hulu.
15. Soup in bed.
16. Correctly make a chia pudding gel and then realize it's kind of disgusting.
17. Change into pajamas immediately when you get home, yet refuse to take off your makeup til at least 9 pm. You know, standards.
18. When taking said makeup off, try to look as much like Alice Cooper as possible.
That's pretty much it for now.
1. Quit all dating sites.
2. Better yet, give up dating for Lent.
3. Eat an entire box of Samoas.
4. Break three of your favorite ex-roomate's hand-me-down Corelle snack-sized plates taking them out of the dishwasher then regret that they weren't broken in a defiant and dramatic way. Lament that single last plate, alone on an empty shelf.
5. Live with two cats who demand all your attention and hate each other.
6. Start a blog to keep yourself company with your own thoughts.
7. Dry shampoo.
8. Experiment with chia seeds.
9. The less excited you are about waking up, the more you should experiment with eye makeup in the morning.
10. Refuse to answer any phone calls after 5 pm.
11. Cover your couches with folded paper grocery bags to deter the cats. Don't worry about entertaining.
12. Somehow fuck up that chia seed pudding ratio every time.
13. Take pictures of your feet on instagram when your heart isn't in it enough for a selfie.
14. Binge-watch Amy Schumer on borrowed Hulu.
15. Soup in bed.
16. Correctly make a chia pudding gel and then realize it's kind of disgusting.
17. Change into pajamas immediately when you get home, yet refuse to take off your makeup til at least 9 pm. You know, standards.
18. When taking said makeup off, try to look as much like Alice Cooper as possible.
That's pretty much it for now.
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